One on one time doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be intentional.

The great thing about homeschooling is – you can find more opportunities for intentional time to get 1:1 with your kids because you are with them everyday- all day!

How Do I Get Intentional 1:1 Time?

I have heard many parents say they need help figuring out how to spend quality time with just one child. Most parents of multiples run in to this issue. It’s hard to find time for each individual child. They all have their own needs, wants, personalities and love language. It’s hard to find time to pay attention to just one child when life can sometimes be crazy with multiples.

While it’s a wonderful idea to spend time with your child one-on-one, it’s also important to give yourself a break and not beat yourself up over it. Don’t get anxiety over planning something special every single week. If you are stressed about it, it makes the time together stressful and not beneficial.

Some intentional time opportunities will come naturally. Others will have to be planned. That’s okay. It’s not about finding that time every single day but about finding quality moments throughout their stages of life that are valuable and much more meaningful.

Boy Moms & Girl Dads

For me as a mom of three boys (who are all about to enter teenage years!) it’s a challenge to get that quality time with them. I’ve been left bereft, frustrated and feeling inadequate many days because it’s a challenging season for them. While my husband makes that time with them look easy, I struggle. Why? Because I think differently and I have different interests and hobbies. But that’s okay. As a mom of boys, I can still spend time with my kids, I just need to be intentional about it.

• Take the time to think about what you may have in common – make a list of things you like that they may also enjoy and vice versa. Talk with your kid – they’ll tell you.
• Work with their schedules or routines (especially if they are older and have jobs, sports or have lots of friends.)
• Find that special or “niche” thing that you both love doing together.

Examples:

• My eldest and I go to work together 3 days a week= we talk on the way there and back as well as at work and we build respect by working together on projects in the office.
• My eldest and I go to church on Wednesday nights = I talk with him on the way to and from church about his day and about his youth group friends. We may even stop for a bite to eat and share that.
• My middle son and I love swimming = we may go swim on a weeknight and talk before and after as well as swim and dive together. Even one hour of this makes him happy for the whole week. He’s energetic so this helps everyone!
• My middle son and I love to bake = Every Saturday he helps me make a big “buffet masterpiece” for breakfast for the family. He’s proud of it and it’s something he’s learning with me that no one else does.
• My youngest son and I love building with LEGO and crafts = he and I can work on a project a little time each week and eventually we have something amazing to show for it. We can sit and talk and it’s just us. We’ve built robot hands, made paper airplanes, and created Crunchlabs boxes together.
• Any of the kids at random times= we can go on an adventure to the park, play Mario Kart or walk downtown to shops to talk and play. Even those random short moments gives them the encouragement and intentional one-on-one time they crave.

Multiple Children

Families of multiple children understand that it comes with a lot of fun but also a lot of CHAOS. As your kids grow and find their own personalities, it becomes new and challenging. They get friends, get involved with sport or events, want to see people, go places, and spread their wings. That’s all apart of life and growing up so the seasons will change with intentional time.

Seasons Change as Children Age….

Lately in this season, we have been finding something unexpectedly that works. Two children go to a friend’s house and the other does something special with mom and dad while his brothers are away with friends. This doesn’t always work out, but when it does, it’s awesome and extra special.

Another thing that works in our family is when the eldest goes to work with mom, the other two can work on schoolwork with dad in sessions to get a better idea of everything. They also get time to play a game with him or go for a walk. This two on one time is also just as valuable and feels special to them. If you have multiples, you understand how quickly the dynamic shifts when one child is gone for a time.

• Plan times as best you can to leave one child with a parent to get 1:1 time.
• Choose a night that is the least stressful and go get ice cream together or go shopping together.
• If you have a bigger house, set up a fort in the basement to watch a movie together away from the others. This can be extra fun for younger kids who like the big basement or big bedroom turned into a “movie theater” – just the two of you – and you don’t have to leave the house.
• Put your kids to bed at different times to find 15-30 minutes with just one child to read, talk and share a moment together. I did this often when the children were younger and my youngest treasured this 30 minutes to do a wordsearch with me and read a Bible story together.

No matter what you choose – Make EACH child feel they have something special with you – from staying up late to talk, to going out to help you with something, to walking to a park or working in the garden. Whatever works. Maybe go walk the dog together. There are opportunities all the time. You just have to look for them.

We have NOTHING in Common – We’re Too Different!

I hear this a lot from families all over when they have younger or older kids. It’s a tough spot sometimes to find something you like together. We all have to make those choices and compromises for our children. It’s about trying and being intentional – even when it’s hard.

• One of my friends goes to heavy metal concerts with her teenager and she braves the music she hates – because she loves her son. And her son thinks she’s the coolest for it. She’s found a bit of music outside her comfort zone that she likes so they can talk about it.
• Everyone loves LEGOS. I haven’t met a person who doesn’t bond over LEGO. From Duplo to 5,000 piece architecture kits, you can turn LEGO into fun and a special moment. Time to get building!
• There are many free or inexpensive things to do. Just do some research. From a local icecream shop, to the library, to a park. There’s always something. We have a small bowling alley that has $1 days and we do that sometimes.
• Really young kid? = stroller walk together and point out trees, dogs and say hi to people in shops.
• Really energetic kid?= play a game or play a sport outside together. Go to local gym or pool.
• Really academic kid? = hang out at the library to explore new books and talk with librarian.

Why Intentional Time Matters

Sometimes children in big families feel the pressure of the other family members and don’t like sharing all their feelings or desires when they are all together. Get them alone – and they will start opening up more. This is valuable and a treasure. You may get some pretty funny and eye opening conversations when you least expect it.

We all need time to decompress, discuss or share without criticism or interruption. Each child has their own wishes, hopes, dreams and aspirations. They can’t necessarily give you the full story when everyone is busy or going places or all in the same room. They may be introverted or extroverted or be shy. You know your child. Find what works for them. It will build their trust and respect.

Being a parent is rewarding, it’s challenging and it’s a lot of ups and downs. There will be seasons that may not be your favorite (like teenage years or potty training!) but it’s worth it. Parenting is worth it. Homeschooling and parenting go hand in hand. Giving them that 1:1 intentional time not only helps with your relationships, but it helps you homeschool too. As you grow and learn about your children and their desires, needs and interests, you will be a better homeschool family and parent as well.